2010 Humorous Awards

As the summer sun begins its descent towards the horizon for the final time in 2010, let us take a moment to reflect on the hilarity we were bombarded with over the last year through media, music and life in general. Welcome to the first ever 'Simon Says Humorous Awards'.

Best Political Moment Winner: Julia Gillard.

One night in June we went to sleep under the leadership of a white male that resembled a duck, aka Kevin Rudd. We awoke to the new dictatorship of Female Ranga Rule. Yes, Ms Gillard pulled a swiftly and fought her way to the top of the Australian Political ladder. Apparently her chin didn't get the memo though - it seems to still be on vacation.

Most Unsurprising Celebrity Secret Revelation: Ricky Martin

Looks like She didn't Bang hard enough, eh? Ricky Martin un-shocked the world by announcing his homosexuality, aka the worlds worst kept secret. He has two surrogate children, has only ever been photographed with 'male friends' over the last decade and has an apparent leather pant addiction. Sorry, Ricky - you weren't fooling anyone. But kudos for coming out.

Best Unreal Television Fail: The 2010 Aria Awards

Awkward from beginning to end, but just like a car accident - unable to tear your eyes away from. This blunder of a production had more cringe worthy moments than an episode of Jersey Shore. Jessica Mauboy couldn't pronounce basic words (de-butt, anyone?), Angus and Julia Stone considered their cat worthy of a shout out, and someone double booked the Opera House; cue strange, celebrity-backyard-bbq-style event on the forecourt. FAIL.

RECOMMEND

'Love and Other Drugs'.
Do it, if you haven't already. You'll thank me.

Christmas Babies

Christmas with my large dysfunctional family usually rolls like this - escape to my sisters farm a few hours out of Sydney. Start drinking early to deal with preachy parents. Insert a few arguments about Jesus/politics/prayer tactics and you've got yourself a good old Hancock-Christmas-Special.

But this year? Oh, so different.

See, my older sister Cathy just had the first baby of the next generation, a tiny boy named Ruan Charlie Pheiffer. He is, without doubt, the cutest bundle of joy the stork has ever delivered (seriously, I pulled Mr Stork aside and demanded the truth). Suddenly, I was too busy being the cluckiest gay man this side of San Fransisco to argue with my mother. All of my attention and energy was devoted to this tiny individual, a physical artwork yet to be carved. Three days flew by and although I'm sure there was family drama as usual, I was zoned out in baby land and it was wonderful. Exhibit A:


There are several morals to this story;

1. Babies are without a doubt, the perfect distraction. An emotional bubble wrap, if you will.
2. Apparently, adoption agencies are not open for business on Christmas Day. Or Boxing Day. But I do hope they'll return my voicemails soon enough, I need one for myself. Stat.
3. For most of us, intense family time is a dish best served just like Christmas lunch...once a year and swiftly followed by a few days holiday.

Merry Christmas, culture kids.

xx

give me gifts

It is indeed Christmas season, which means one thing - all us early 20s city kids have to decide what gifts we are purchasing for ourselves in lieu of children/mortgages/grown up responsibilities.

My current froth-all-over-it item is the humble backpack. Oh yes, kids, BACKPACKS ARE BACK. Now, when I made this statement to Tim Duggan (of samesame.com.au fame) over the weekend, he responded "Did backpacks ever leave?". Oh yes, Tim, they most definitely did. Banished to fathers over forty or ultra loyal and enthusiastic Fitness First members, the backpack was truly the epitome of lame. Until now.

Enter the new Sass&Bide offering 'THE LEGACY' bag, available in tan or grey;

I mean, it has fringing and silver buckles. Good God, it's backpack perfection.

Santa, take note - if I do not receive one of these wrapped up in a pretty bow I will rape Rudolph, drug the rest of your deer crew, jack the sleigh and jet back to the Pole where I will snap incriminating photos of what you and the elves really get up to in your workshop.

Merry Christmas!

7 daze later

Oh, the tantalizing excitement that occurs prior to the weekly round of...

THIS WEEK I:

- Booked a January escape to New Zealand with my girl Emily Theyers. Cue sheep jokes a-plenty, roadtrips through picturesque mountains and a few inevitable black eyes when I crack onto some of the much-too-gorgeous (and hetro) Maori locals.
- Fell in love with this time of year all over again. After all, it is socially acceptable to always have a drink in ones hand, no matter what time of day. Or morning. It's Christmas, after all!
- Attempted to deal with the Oprah fever that has recently taken over Sydney. Am I the only one who isn't that fussed about the black, female version of Santa visiting Sydney?
- Purchased a love fern. Yes, a love fern, as seen in 'How to Lose A Guy In Ten Days'. Actually...placed alongside a movie title like that, perhaps my current singledom is a mystery no more?
- As of right now, hatched a plot to kill said fern.
- Rediscovered 'The Presets', and just how much fun they are to dance to. Naked. Memo to myself...buy curtains.

xxx

& then.

It is yours to explore. So what exactly are you waiting for?

nail in the coffin

Oh good Lord.

Yesterday I sat at my favorite local cafe, The Bunker, to enjoy my ultimately necessary morning coffee. As I read through the papers, I heard a metallic "click...click...click".

I glanced around, terrified that perhaps the 'Tranformers' films has really been a warning, that we all ignored, and we were being invaded by robot locusts. No such creatures in sight, I continued to seek until I found the source of the noise. There, in the middle of a cafe sat a relatively normal looking fellow, clipping his toenails. In public. Surrounded by people eating breakfast.

WTF.

A note to the not so wise - performing such intimate personal hygiene practices in public is NOT okay. Everyone felt awkward when Britney lost her shit for all the world to see, and I felt awkward trying to finish my latte while this kid went to town on his hooves.

Um...could you make that takeaway?